気持ちの切り替え　A Fresh Mind

English version of this post is available below.

こんにちは、３児ワーママのマミントンです。

別れの春。そして出会いの春。

２月から３月にかけての２か月間。落ち着かないコロナ禍の生活、次女の卒園や小学校の入学準備、長女の塾通いの本格化、長年身近でお世話になった先生方のご退職やお引越しなど、とにかく色々な出来事が重なり頭も心も大混乱でした。仕事で没頭して心の混乱から一時逃げようと試みるもなかなか集中力が続かず、次女の卒園ソングや春っぽい流行りの歌を聞くと涙腺崩壊。在宅勤務中の机で一人で号泣したりしてました（笑）。

通常はワーキングママとして毎日なるべく効率よく過ごそうと必死な私。自分の精神衛生のために部屋は綺麗に保ちたいし、スケジュール管理も細かいはずの私。でも先月はぐちゃぐちゃな部屋を見ても片付ける気力が湧かず、効率的どころか小さなことに時間がかかり、心の中と考え事ばかり忙しくて、体はなぜか動かず。胸がいっぱいで山積みになる作業が手つかず。なんだか青春時代の女子高生が好きな人を忘れられないような、失恋で胸が痛いような、そんな気持ちを思い出すほど重症でした笑。いわゆる「ロス」ってやつです。

でもそんな心境も時間が解決してくれるものですね。４月の半ばに、やっと、やっと、体が言うことを聞く気になったのか。危機感を覚えるほどの状況だったのか笑。土曜日の朝、パパに３人の子ども達を公園に連れ出してもらって、私は自宅で４月の大掃除に専念する時間をもらいました。書類を分別し、大型家具の裏まで掃除機をかけ、リビングの床を磨き、洗濯物をたたみ、気が済むまで隅々まで掃除をしました。つるつるのリビングの床、気持ちいい～。ホコリが溜まっていない本棚やテレビ台もすっきり。リビングにただ座っているだけで、心が休まりゆとりを感じられるようになったのは何か月ぶりだろう。体重は変わらないのに身軽になった気分でした。

「ロス」が完全に消えたわけではないし、次女の園の制服が恋しくなることもあるし、会えない先生に子ども達を会わせてやりたいと感じることも多々ある。でも、私の心も少しずつ切り替えができているような気がして、あと少し時間が経てば心機一転できそうな気がして、一安心しました。

「ロス」を経験することは、ロスになるほど素晴らしい経験をし、かけがえのない人々と出会い、お金では買えない沢山の思い出を作れた証拠なんだ。私をロス状態にしてくれた思い出は大切な宝物。そんなことに気づけた春でした。

Hello, I’m Mamington, a working mom of three.

Spring is a season of hello’s and farewell’s. In Japan, school years start in April, college graduates start their jobs in April, employee transfer tend to occur in April… Spring is a representation of change. Good change.

This February and March, we are still in the midst of the pandemic. It was a time of many changes in my household with my second daughter graduating from pre-school and preparing for elementary school, my first daughter buckling down to start some serious studies for middle school entrance exams, and a few of our favorite teachers that my children loved moving away to start new lives. There was so much going on with so many kinds of emotions flying around. Happiness, excitement, anxiety, nervousness, and loneliness (to say good bye). I tried to focus on my work to get away from the anxiety, but my concentration did not last any longer than 5 minutes at a time. And when I hear graduation songs or any songs that have references to new school years or new beginnings, I start tearing… alone while working from home (ridiculous now that I think back on it).

I am a working mother of three. I like to do everything efficiently. I also like to stay organized and maintain a relatively tidy apartment for the sake of my mental well being. But last month… seeing an apartment full of mess which usually would disgust me barely bothered me. I was the opposite of efficient and took a long while to do every small task. My heart was busy thinking, but my body did not cooperate with the To Do list that kept growing longer and longer. The feeling resembled that of a high school girl busy infatuating over a crush or not being able to sleep thinking that life is going to end because she was rejected by a boy she “loved”.

I am so thankful to see my children grow up, but they are growing up so fast that I have started to realize the time I have with them is limited. I felt like I am aging, I also felt a sense of “loss” from growing out of my children’s’ childhood with them, even though they are still right there in front of me. How strange…

But time heals majority of life’s problems. In mid-April, my body finally felt the urge to get my surroundings back in order. Maybe my apartment was simply getting too dirty. One Saturday morning, I sent daddy to take the 3 children to a nearby park for the whole morning and I had the luxury of 3 hours to myself to face the MESS. I went through all the school letters, government paperwork, vacuumed behind the shelves, wiped down the floors, folded laundry, and literally just kept cleaning every inch of my apartment until I ran out of time (i.e. until the family came home hungry). Thank you Dominos for bringing me pizza for lunch at a 50% discount. It had been so many months since I last felt truly relaxed to sit in a clean apartment with a gorgeous view out of a window that had been cleaned (haha). My body felt lighter just by looking at the amount of trash I collected during my cleaning spree.

The feeling of “loss” and missing my daughter in her pre-school uniform has not gone away. I think about their favorite teachers that they miss so much. But these memories and the amazing people that my family was fortunate enough to meet in our lives, are precious gifts that we should treasure forever. The fact that these memories and people put me to feel a sense of “loss” is a reflection of how much they meant to us (and still mean to us).

Is it because of old age, that I am realizing these life lessons more and more frequently these days…?