My mid-life-crisis (English)

Hello, I’m Mamington, a working mom of three.

Recently, I’ve been struggling from lack of physical and emotional energy. I had a summer break and despite the pandemic I think I spent good quality time with my family away from work. On the flip side though, the restful and relaxing couple of weeks made coming back to work feel more dreadful than a Monday morning.

I don’t have any illnesses, my family is safe and healthy, I have a roof over my head and I know that there is so much suffering in the world that make my problems look completely immaterial. I feel guilty for even considering my problems as problems, but I am just not able to control how I feel.

I think I do well at work, but I get stressed easier than I used to. I get tired easily, and more often than not, I face my to-do list at work to get paid and not because I enjoy them. I know that no work is enjoyable every minute, and there is no such thing as a perfect career or a perfect life. But seeing the 40 year of age mark right in front of me, I might be going through my version of a mid-life crisis.

Why did I get a job in the financial industry? Is this really what I want to do? I spent my teenage days the country side in the midwest and the beachside in the south, and now I am living in metropolitan Tokyo. I thought this lifestyle was what I dreamed of, but I am no longer sure if this is what I really want. But at the same time, it’s not like I have a different career aspiration that I would like to pursue. It’s not like I have another city that I would like to move to. I can’t really articulate what I am even agonizing about.

I gained a bit of weight over the last few months, mainly due to lack of exercise as I have been working from home under the pandemic and also a much lower level of self-discipline. I eat chocolate when I am stressed, sweets are my comfort food and I spoil myself with them when I do not feel energetic or feel overwhelmed. I am content when I am devouring those snacks but I feel worse afterwords. I am not able to accept or love myself for who I am, I want to be someone else, but i don’t know who exactly I want to be. Of course this makes for a lower confidence and self-esteem. It results in nothing better in my life, perhaps the sweets industry may be thanking me for my consumption.

So in summary, I am tired. More mentally than physically, I think. The end of summer is nearing, managers at work will return from their summer vacations, and we will all expect to have been re-energized and start working again in a faced paced manner. Maybe I am experiencing burn-out after working in this environment for more than 15 years. I never used to understand why some people decide to give up their careers after all the goodwill and loyalty they have built over many years, but now I think I understand. It is to take care of their mental well being.

But I am not brave enough to leave my current job without a new plan.

I want to continue to be a role model to my 3 children. I want to be able to love myself and accept myself for who I am. How do I really recharge and switch my mindset so that I can get back to the energetic self that I used to be? Does it take a huge change for me to get my mental well being back?